Who Pays?

I wrote a few posts about relationships. About them, they are sometimes difficult for us to be precise about what we want, about the fear and the shame that surrounds the entire issue of the searching for a partner, dating sites, and the actual part of dating. This is a subject I have not written about and I have not thought about writing it so far- the debate concerning money. More precisely, who pays?

Perhaps, I did not think of writing about this before because it is never comfortable to talk about money. On the one hand, women do not want to be seen as exploiters, and on the other hand, men do not want women to think they are stingy, and that is how this subject remains in the gray area, where no one talks about the elephant in the room.

Five years ago, I spent Shabbat at a friend’s apartment. She lived practically on the beach and this apartment was the spot of all the friends who lived in Tel Aviv. It was late Friday night, we were sitting on the porch with few friends and suddenly, there was a knock at the door. A friend of hers came into the apartment with an unknown man.

It turns out that the two were on a date. My friend was asked: “So who paid?” she obviously thought   the answer was clear.
“We split the tab,” her friend blurted out. An uncomfortable silence spread through the air.

Another girlfriend, who had been in a relationship for the last three or four years that was slowly dying, went out on a date with a new guy. The guy did pay, but she was not sure what his attitude to money was. As for the second date, she debated what to do, on the one hand she wanted to pay so that he would not think she was an exploiter, but on the other hand she wanted to know if he was stingy or not.

Stingy, what does he say?

What is the problem with stinginess? Money is merely the material and material expression of emotional stinginess. True, I was not looking for articles that support my hypothesis, but I have some experience in the dating world. A stingy man is the one who will be egotistic in most levels, will be less caring and attentive, and is more likely to testify that he is sensitive to his surroundings even though he will be sensitive just to himself and his needs.

A man has to dazzle you, and just like the peacock in nature, which spreads its luxurious tail, the man on a date has to take out his wallet without hesitation. Beer, breakfast, or a movie will not bring anyone to bankruptcy.

A man should hunt, have to woo to appreciate you later on. Countless studies have shown that we value more things that we pay for them, and the more we pay for them, the more we will appreciate them and rationalize them as more worthy (eg Apple product fans).

There are those who claim they have no problem paying but they want to see the girl as willing to pay. I love these guys, both sides know the guy have to, but still they insist to see a show before. Correct me if I’m wrong, but shows are supposed to be in the theater.

As far as I was concerned, when I was interested in the other side, I did not even squint at my wallet. When I was not interested, I would split the tab, just to avoid feeling exploited, unless the man was really insisting otherwise.

It’s All Evolution.

There is something very masculine about a man paying. Call me old fashion, maybe it’s from my parents’ home. Because even today, even after Dima and I have united our accounts, he takes out his wallet. There are only a few times I can remember retrieving the credit and paying.

It is also an evolutionary thing inherent in us. Why do men want young women and women want rich men to pamper them? In the past, a young girl was necessarily fertile, and men were attracted to young girls so that they could breed and reproduce. Women were looking for strong men to provide food and protection to their offspring.
In today’s age, money is the primary means of everything, including food and defense.

So when is it right for you to pay?

Truth to be told, there is no one correct answer to this. It really depends. But at least at first, until the fourth or fifth date, I would not even consider taking my wallet out. True, it is not always pleasant, it can feel uncomfortable, and for some of us, it can really require effort. I admit that when I first started dating, I would implement the “wallet dance” or insist on paying on the second or third date, because I simply did not feel comfortable. As time passed I realized that this was not the right way (at least not for me).

One way to relieve ourselves of the unpleasantness is to go out to places that do not make a hole in your pocket, like sitting on a beer, buying ice cream, breakfast, etc.

In the same context, when you start out dating with someone that does not live close to you, let him make the trip to you at least until the fourth date. True, there are no rules, but from my experience – a man who wants to make the effort and travel the journey, will be just as willing to take out the wallet.

There are other ways you can show willingness in a relationship, you can call it “material affection” because it is fun to pamper your partner, and also to feel better with yourself.

– Make an upscale picnic, with good cheeses, tasty bread, and quality wine, or a pampering dinner (I’d like to say romantic, but I’m too cynical for romance)
– Make sure that there are regular things in your refrigerator that he likes if it is beer, certain meat, or specific snacks.
– Send him to a pampering massage.
– Buy small things that show that you thought about him. For example, Dima likes puzzles and thought games, so at the time I bought him some that would keep him entertained.

Anything that shows that you thought about him and his desires are blessed.
And in the end, a good relationship is first and foremost a good and true friendship, and like any real friendship, there are separations or half-or-half-nonsense.

Hope this will make it easier for you the next time the check is placed on the table and you will be willing to pay, but know that you do not need to.
If you have any questions, something you wish to share with me, you are more than welcome to write me a comment, here or on Facebook!